if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
I'm seriously considering refraining from drinking on school nights.
I like how you say that with 4 school days left of the school year..
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
