So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
Is that strawberry winking at me??
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
