im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
