She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
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