she fell down the flight of stairs and was fine until she saw the two broken beer bottles on the ground by her.
thats a woman
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
We're not on Beacon Street anymore so now your argument about not peeing on the sidewalk holds no water. Whereas my bladder has holded every water.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
Randomize
