you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
Randomize
