hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
sex in a ball pit. and I thought ghandi did great things.
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
Gees I domt know what your deal was. You kept looking at Nick and shaking your head frantically and doing a weird motion with your hands
Tgat was the small dick alert
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
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