um. i met him on myspace...we text now, he lives down the street
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
He spent ten minutes post bj, limp cock still out, in shock repeating 'best blow job ever'. So yes, yelling I am the penis queen out the car window was justified.
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
