She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
Are these your boobs on my camera?
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
