The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
I mean seriously with your cock and my tits combined we could rule the world. Pinky and the brain style
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Randomize
