Will you blow on my dice?
apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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