Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
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