His vagina is bleeding blood all over the court
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
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