I think I can smell my own vagina right now
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
Randomize
