i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
Hate to say it and even though I definitely have a biased opinion but I'm surprised your not, sleeping with anyone else. Good personality, charisma and amazing in the sack.
Feel free to use me as a reference.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize