he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
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