I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
Randomize