you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
We always end up having sex in random places after class. I need to stop letting this dude borrow my pens.
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Randomize
