it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
I don't care if its bassically 3rd world. A country without a drinking age is a country without a drinking age.
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
