Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Randomize
