Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
His nipple licking is glorious
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
