i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
I might go to an NA meeting just to fuck that boy in the bathroom.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
Randomize
