I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
I'm thinking of having one or both of my boobs out. They're small but they're mighty.
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
Randomize
