Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
I need to stop researching the drugs I do on Wikipedia. The parts about abuse and dependency hit too close to home
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
She was giving me head while we were in my tree house, my mom then came out to let the dog out so she stopped so I would stop groaning, was it good? You tell me
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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