i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
true. but still. you know how big of a sucker i am for a penis and a pretty face.
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
Randomize
