i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
Randomize
