I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
Randomize
