How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
Randomize
