yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
found an empty one..2nd door on the right...i'm already naked.
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
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