Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
I can't believe he would be such an ass
Your boobs are way too big for you to be worrying about anything.
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
I'm not sure if it was the 11 shots or your naturally vibrant personality but I recall you being quite noisy that evening
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
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