Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
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