God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
Randomize
