Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
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