I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
So far my survey results are telling me to pawn the ring. Thoughts?
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
Randomize