He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
He is nice. Kind of short though. But didn't try to rub his jean cock on me.
Which I appreciated.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
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