I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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