During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
Bob the builder, bob the uilder bob the builder bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbjbbbbbiotch!pp!!!!
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
I hope you enjoy this collage I made of you and me getting fucked up together
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
Randomize
