I puked off the balcony.
Not horrible
Into the hottub. There were six people in it. I had eaten all their pizza.
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
Randomize
