i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
Randomize
