I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
So what happened? Or does sex + ramen pretty much cover it?
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize
