I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Randomize
