They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
Randomize
