Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
I miss vodka workout Fridays
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Randomize
