I sk at the spereo and my dad gave me and all access pass
what???
AN ALL ACCESS PASSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
