what if I'm pregnant?
smusmorshion
It's not littering; it's giving birds nest building suplies. Besides, birds love soy sauce and plastic forks.
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
