is it wrong that I prefer my women with low self esteem and a smidgen of an eating disorder?
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Randomize
