I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
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