My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
It will be a surprise...all i can say is stripper clown
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
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