His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
I have nothing to lose. And a bunch of dick to gain.
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
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