i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
Randomize
