i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
She said " I'm going to get her back one day soon for putting extacy in my pop while I drove her to whislter" just a heads up.
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
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