I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
Now that I've come to graduate college. I realized the only discernible skill I learned was how to roll a joint properly. go me.
Well thats $24,000 well spent.
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
15 year-old stoners have those problems. we're college students dude. dont be like that...
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Randomize
