i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
I licked your asshole in confidence.
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
Randomize
