She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
For an hr, you were convinced you no longer had a right arm so you played Super Mario Bros with just your left hand vs Beth. You won btw, mite b why she refused to wear the unicorn head
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize