Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
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