this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
im wtih 32a right now bc 34d is on her period. now i know how girls feel when their hookups go from magnums to regulars
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
