I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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