Do you think Capital One would let me put the Tub Girl picture on my Capital One card?
Beat you to it.
can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
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