My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
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