She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
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