Running into every girl no one would hook up with here at rick's. Typical.
I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
Randomize
