it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
Randomize
