Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
I puked a lego.
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
Can the rest of this semester just go by as a montage?
it was like having sex with a tree stump
i drank out of a bidet.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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