So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
Hes back in his dorm room dancing naked with 3D glasses on.
and he said that acid doesnt really do anything to him...
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
Randomize
