I wanna bring you to show and tell
i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
Germany has fetish clubs for everything. We are going to Germany. Germany is our friend.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
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